I had my first cigarette when I was 13. I remember it distinctly – my friend and I were sitting on my front porch steps in a small shit-ass town in Nebraska, listening to my mom’s cassette tape of Steve Miller Band’s Greatest Hits Album (which I’m pretty sure I never gave back – sorry, mom). We had just come home from hanging out with two guys we should not have been hanging out with – for many reasons, one of which is that they were in their 20’s. Yikes. What the hell was I thinking? But I digress.
Between then and now, deducting all the times “I quit” throughout the years, I think I can safely say that I smoked for 12 years at least. Smoking and gin have been my “holy crap it’s been a long day” or “omg, you won’t believe what I’ve just been through” or simply, “damn that was an amazing evening” responses. So in the last few years after I’ve quit smoking, after I quit drinking (beyond socially), I find myself with no more vices to fall onto after one those days. My only real vice left is coffee and I’m not about to suck down some caffeine at the end of the day. The last few years the response was to immediately get a friend on the phone, go to his/her house, or the best deal of all – go drag my bff from the downstairs basement and sit with her for hours on our back deck. But, friends change, people’s lives move on, and bffs move away or move onto the next stage of their life. And that’s all okay – it’s a part of life. But it still leaves me with no vice or thing to fall back on.
My guess is that’s part of the deal lately – with the thinking, wrapped up so tight in my head that I don’t know what’s right/wrong, inability to fall or stay asleep, drown myself in work pattern I have going on. I think I need a way to vent out all of that, with “that” equaling “life” but I seem to have ran out of bad things, good things have left me, and I don’t want to bury my husband with the crazy in my head. So the funniest thing happened today after work – or rather, on my way home from work.
See, I was supposed to be running an errand for earlier mentioned bff (so sorry – I promise I’ll do it tomorrow hon) but was so distracted with my thoughts, all I could think about was going out on the trail and well, running. It seemed like the only thing I could do was run until it stopped hurting. Until I could figure something out. And I couldn’t get home fast enough to do so. No one was home when I got here so I just left and went to the trails. I felt like I absolutely needed to run to clear my head and think about things in a logical way – to feel that “holy shit, I can do this” that I love so much about running. And so that’s what I did – ran away the demons of the day. And it’s good – maybe a good vice? I’ll have to see where it leads.