f’n downward spiral

Shocking news alert: I have a swearing problem. I control it pretty darn well (like, it seems one should not put a complete swear word in a blog post title) but when I’m excited or stressed out or angry or whatever, inevitably, the swearing returns. I feel like I should warn you because today has shown me that this journey is going to be stressful and cause me frustration. Heads up.

Today, I got up at my normal ridiculous hour of the day to go running but took a quick glance at my email first – and then my calendar – and then was hit with the realization that was my day. I had so much work to do. So, instead of going running, I got in the shower, got dressed and went to work to get going on my day. That would be step one on my downward spiral that is today.

Step two? Leadership Council meeting where there are donuts – which I always avoid. I’m vegan for crying out loud – I don’t eat crap like donuts because I don’t know what they’re made out of and you. just. never. know. But I did – I ate one. And sadly, it tasted like shit. Totally not worth the calories or assumed unveganness (yes, I just made that word up).

When I finally got to eat lunch at 2:30ish, I did okay – I bring my own lunch so it’s all good. No worries there.

But then I came home – and at some point this afternoon I had hit a wall of exhaustion that had not gone away yet. And that’s when I hit step three – flat out failure:  I ate cookies that Dave had baked the other day. Full of crap calories, unvegan, stupid cookies. Now I have guilt from the crap I ate today AND from the unveganness (and I’ll pay for that later – I get sick now when I eat dairy stuff).

Why in the world am I stating all of this? Partially because I need to so I a fully aware of it myself. And to acknowledge that I stress eat and I need to get a handle on that. But most importantly I’m stating it because something kind of cool happened – I realized that it was okay. It’s okay to screw up. It’s okay to have an off day.

But tomorrow will have to be a major kick ass day. That’s my goal for the day tomorrow – get up and run, eat healthily, take care of myself, do my pain-in-the-ass-I-hate-it-so-much-but-damn-it-works workout for Wednesday. Hell yeah, f’n right. 😉

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2 comments

  1. alibrariangirl · October 4, 2012

    Yeah, we go through them, don’t we? Downward spirals. I was ….. um ….. a little older than you before I could look at those times objectively. They are often mixed up with emotional crap and I eat a comfort food to feel better, but that fat makes my body rebel, so I feel worse, and I eat it again! However, I’ve learned, as you have, that these spirals come and go. I may actually embrace it with a good cry. And then I’m up and walking and eating my crunchy veggies again! I no longer think to myself, “Oh woa is me. What’s wrong with me? Why do I get this way? and blah blah blah.” I just think, “Oh crap. Where is the ice cream? I’ll be glad when this is over!” And sure ’nuff! “It” actually lasts a much shorter time than it once did. Because I recognize it I can sorta separate myself from it, In a way.

    The vegan thing? Still a work in progress. But I don’t hit myself over the head with it. For lunch I am having vegan soup and peanut butter crackers. Wanted a cheese sandwich instead of pb, but really want some real cheese on my asparagus for supper tonight. See? Still less cheese than I could have had by end of day. Pat on the back! OK OK – not trying hard enough! You said it – life is a journey.

    • Melia Erin · October 4, 2012

      I really like that idea – I had not thought of it in that way, that if I acknowledge what I’m going through at the time and remain cognizant of it, then maybe it will last a shorter amount of time. I am definitely going to try that! Instead of shutting my eyes on the roller coaster and hoping it’s over soon, I’ll open them so I can see the finish approaching 🙂

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